You know what infuriates me?

Voicemail. Voicemail is the thing that infuriates me.

And here’s why: voicemail is the only technology (to my recollection) that coddles us more in its present advanced stage than it did when we were neanderthalian (yes, that one’s all mine) and needed the extra help. Back in the 80’s (or “The Day” as the kids call it), we were introduced to the answering machine. No longer were we burdened to actually speak with a live person whom we really only called for appearances sake anyway; but, instead we were dazzled by the wonder and convenience of an electronic date-maker, date-shunner, social-butterfly, and vocal-chord-preserver all rolled into one. And what kind of instruction did we get for such a high-powered, complicated device? Just this:

BEEP!

That’s pretty much it. Some witty repartee like, “Hey y’all! Can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message!” Then:

BEEP!

No explanation as to what the loud noise was, no detailed instructions about what to do with said noise, or after said noise, nothing. And that was fine. We didn’t need any!

Ah, but now, NOW at the height of our technological age we need ever so much more:

Please record your message after the tone. If you need assistance, press 1. After you have finished recording, please hang up or press 0 for more options

…
…
If I need assistance press 1? How much assistance could I possibly need?!

me: ah, yes, hello? Yes, uh, I’m having some difficulty with leaving a message and need some assistance
murmur murmur
me: well, yes um, I did try that and it didn’t seem to work. My question, um, is what do I actually do after the tone?
murmur murmur
me: Oh! Oh! I see… OK YES, ahhh that’s much clearer. OK, thanks a million, you’re a real lifesaver!

Are we really that dumb? (don’t answer that)