Back in the day, my then girlfriend was kind enough to cut my hair (thereby saving me what was at that time a whoppiing $9). She liked my hair very short (on the order of Marine) which was actually fortuitous, because I have what can honestly be called a coif; where, instead of my hair growing down as it gets longer, it simply grows out (Not unlike a ‘fro, but many magnitudes less cool).

At any rate, what started as a hair clipper around the sides and scissors on top, eventually evolved into a hair clipper all the way around with varying height guards. When it got to that point I thought to myself, “That doesn’t seem so hard,” and on one faithful summer day about 4 years ago, I threw caution to the wind in the form of overwhelming self-confidence and promptly completely messed my hair up. It was not fashion-model messing my hair up, where my sideburns were uneven by a matter of millimeters, it was “Oh look dear, that young man has walked blindfolded into a wheat-thresher” messed up. It was not one of my finer hours.

You’d think, despite the “old-dogs new-tricks” maxim, that I would have learned from my past folly. However, I again decided to cut my own hair tonight, as I needed cutting, and I just don’t think Supercuts does it quite right. As it turns out, neither do I. If you, or someone you love, is also thinking about cutting their ‘do, let me offer you a few observations:

1. Even though the little height guard says “blend” on it, it does in fact cut your hair as short as it looks like it would, and doesn’t just automatically blend in all of your previous uneven attempts.
2. When you mess up, and cut a patch of hair way too short, before thinking to yourself, “I can fix this,” make a quick mental inventory on just exactly what tools you have at your disposal and think about that again.
3. Before trying any of this, find a favorite sports team, rock group, or cult, and buy one of their sweet logo hats.
4. Always, and I can’t stress this enough, be prepared to completely shave your head (or at least come damn near like I did). I suggest developing a hip, confident swagger now, because you’re going to need it to overcome your busted-ass haircut.

Don’t get me wrong, having super short hair does have it’s advantages. For instance, should I be pursued by a non-gun-toting, non-ax-weilding, strictly hand-combating assailant, he or she will not be able to grab me by my hair, but will instead have to grab me by my less convenient shirt, pants, arms, legs, backpack, or neck. Also, I definitely do not have lice.

Next week: Other things you shouldn’t try to shave.