More than FIVE YEARS AGO I announced the First Annual Kiss-Off Contest. You would expect, I presume, that we would then be figuring out the results of the 6th Annual Kiss-Off Contest. That, of course, is not nearly the case.

At any rate, the Kiss-Off Contest was, in my opinion, a brilliant way to objectively assess what your kissing per year(s that you’ve been dating) rate was, and therefore, how much of a huge slut you were. The sociologists among you would probably also read some interesting factoids into the results. Stuff like how long-term relationships effect the results, or whether being a member of your high school marching band means that you couldn’t one day grow into your huge over-sized head and in fact be an attractive and desirable man to a number of beautiful women, even if you did briefly have scoliosis when you were in Junior High and braces and glasses and a comic book collection.

What?

The results (scroll to 06.07.2002) were interesting and I was a good 1.4 kisses below the average. I attribute this to a couple of things: (1) I had been a relationship for nearly 7 years and (2) you’re all liars.

A lot has happened in the last 5 years. I’ve been in love. I’ve lost love. I’ve been hurt, damaged, and dragged down. I’ve suspended my morality. I’ve been bad. I’ve been good. And, after all that, I am still below the average…BUT, I’m climbing fast at 1.7 which is pretty good considering this was over a 16 year period. It’s easy to keep that A average, but once you get that one C it’s almost impossible to climb back up, right?

On a serious note, though, I wish I could find that One. I thought I did, and maybe really did, but life isn’t a fairy tale and I lost it yet again. If it was up to me, I’d find that person and my Kiss-Off Number would keep falling year after year, until it was effectively zero…and I wouldn’t care because I’d found something more important than a silly contest.

But hell, until that happens, and if anyone even still reads this, feel free to send me your KiPY (Kisses Per Year) so we can do it all again. Maybe this time there really WILL be valuable prizes…