What’s a diorama? – Ralph Wiggum

Gathering party components at the market early Wednesday afternoon, I was halted in my tracks by the contents of the Albertson’s Snack Center at the end of the chips aisle. Lined up like soldiers on fully 5 shelves was this:

After seeing that, I should think that you have all just done as I did that somber 4th of July, and exclaimed aloud, “What the hell is that?!” Having never before seen something so fundamentally wrong, it took me several seconds to even grasp what I was looking at. My internal dialogue went something like this:

“mmmmm, Animal Crackers….” .:reaches out hand to grab childhood memories in cookie-form then recoils in terror:.

“WAIT…those aren’t animal crackers…are they?” .:blinks in disbelief:.

“What the hell is this?! Where’s the little box? Where’s the little string handle? .:glares at disgusting travesty, studies packaging closely:.

“Without the box, these are just animals senselessly in cages, instead of in a travelling car on the way to the circus… Is that stupid squiggly line at the top supposed to be the string? Ah HELL no!” .:grabs three for evidence in impending lawsuit:.

I don’t think it would be overly gauche of you to send a vehement letter to the deluded executives of Nabisco, educating them on what obviously is a mistake. OK, so maybe you do get more in the package, all the crackers seem to be freakishly intact (where are the disembodied zebra heads?!), and they stay fresh with their convenient “Recloseable Snack Zip” packaging (how I miss the chewy, stale monkey), but is nothing sacred?!