Guy Secret #2

One of a guy’s greatest fears (next to male pattern baldness and an irrational phobia of potpourri) is getting an erection at an inopportune time. Within this fear are two subsets based on location:

.:Getting an erection in the locker room

.:Getting an erection at the doctor’s office

The locker room problem largely takes care of itself, as the usual etiquette is an I-don’t-see-anything-if-you-don’t type of attitude. In fact, if you blindfolded a guy, spun him around 10 times, and then plopped him down in the middle of his usual gym locker room, 9 times out of 10 he’ll have no idea where he is because he’s only seen the place from the perspective of the three foot radius around his feet. This, coupled with the astounding suppression capabilities of today’s modern undergarments, pretty much keeps this issue under wraps.

The doctor’s office dilemma, however, is a whole other animal.

In this case, options must be considered, and weighed relatively based on their merits, or lack thereof.

As most men know, erections do not always necessarily involve sexual arousal. Often they are the result of some cosmic roulette, over which we have no control. You’ll be walking the aisles of the grocery store, mentally ticking off items whilst looking for the Cocoa Puffs when suddenly, “OK, baking goods and spices, no, umm, international foods, canned vegetables and fruits, no, no, ah cereal…oh waitaminute, what’s this?!” Sometimes these things just happen for no particular reason, and you therefore have to consider the environment in which you may potentially be in.

Case 1: The female doctor

Whether attractive or not, getting the high hard one while being examined by a female doctor is paramount to that recurring nightmare of showing up to school inexplicably naked. There is absolutely nothing you can do in this case to save face or life-long embarrassment. If this ever happens to you, you will move to another town, change your name, and preferably take on a foreign language as your primary one. Never, ever, go to a female doctor (Note: you may edit accordingly if your attractions lie with the same sex. This is only my best guess, however, and I welcome debate on the subject from those with more, ahem, first-hand, experience).

Case 2: The male doctor

This is even worse than case 1. I know what you’re thinking, “How is this possible? Case 1 is horrible. I wonder if I have any popcorn?” (I told you I knew what you were thinking.) The only known recourse to getting an erection in front of a male doctor is suici…killing him. Of course, I cannot recommend this, but if you know a better way, I would be more than welcome to hear it.

Case 3: The male doctor with the pretty female intern who is in to “just observe” the procedure from over the doctor’s shoulder as you pull down your pants and reveal your hormonically raging, testosterone driven, 15 year old, twigs and berries to your absolute horror as you get the physical required for God knows what reason and you can’t believe your mom dragged you to the doctor’s office for this to happen and please please please let there be a power outage right NOW…damn!

Err, never mind

To continue, when considering between Cases 1 & 2, you are inexorably drawn towards Case 2. Although the results would be far worse should the unthinkable happen, you bank on there being less of a chance for arousal, and then hope for the best. Unfortunately, medical technology has not yet progressed far enough to guarantee flaccidity in all cases, which means there is always a certain amount of luck involved. There are, however, a few things you can do to swing the odds in your favor.

– Two words: Janet Reno

– Two more words: Margaret Thatcher

– Injure yourself elsewhere really really badly. If the pain itself doesn’t distract you enough, hopefully the loss of blood will keep your body from allowing it to flow, err, elsewhere

– Never ever go to the doctor. That swelling is normal.

So, I hope this has helped you guys out there in making your own decisions on this important matter; not to mention you ladies who were always wondering why your little brother always seemed so full of anxiety over a routine check-up. Remember, only you can prevent forest-fires. Thank you and goodnight!