Wall Street Throws in the Towel
By DAVID KLEEMAN, AP

NEW YORK (AP) – Citing a general sense of malaise, Wall Street employees and executives unilaterally agreed to put an end to the world’s largest securities exchange Tuesday. Doors were permanently closed at the close of trading today, and since then numerous offers have been gathered for the valuable real estate. Said one Gap executive on the condition of anonymity, “11 Wall Street? It’s a prime location with great walk-through, not to mention the nostalgia after having that bank or whatever there for so many years. We’d be crazy not to turn it into a Gap Kids.”

Wall Street’s long, but ultimately doomed history began in 1792, when twenty-four New York City merchants signed an agreement to trade securities and wives only amongst themselves, and not to consort with competing auctioneers. This early exchange was located under a buttonwood tree, but was then later moved to the valuable real estate it now has for reasons of indoor plumbing and the invention of air conditioning some 200 years later.

When asked about the dissolution of the venerable 210 year-old institution, Federal Reserve Chairman Al Greenspan was quoted as saying, “Well, it’s too bad, sure; but we’ve had a pretty good run. Besides, have you seen the market lately? We’re almost down to zero anyway.”